We’re fighting for our humanity. We’re longing to matter in a world that is trying to take away the need for us to do so. Need an answer to a question? Rather than find a real human expert, like someone with real life experience and perspective, we type it into a search engine. Want to know the best restaurants and places to stay? Look online. Sure there’s a bit of human component in there due to online reviews, but it’s not nearly as good as asking someone who you know has actually been there. Ever sit in a room, having a conversation when a question comes up that no one knows the answer to? Whether it’s geography, literature or media. How interesting it could be (and used to be) to pontificate and debate with your friends as to all the possible answers. Not anymore. Because you know someone is going to just plug it in their phones and spoil the mystery. I’m sure most of us can remember those types of conversations and human interactions before things started thinking FOR us.
My Dad is a retired Town Judge of two terms, a retired State Trooper of 32 years and an amazing husband, father and friend. Watching his transition into retirement has made it clear how important it is to know that you matter and how easy it is to lose that sense of purpose when you’re no longer working or employed. During his career his experience, expertise and wisdom mattered, a lot. After retiring, my Dad found ways to stay busy. He goes to the gym in the mornings. One time I went with him and it was wonderful getting to see the friends he had made there and to listen to their banter and exchange of the local happenings. He also joined a band. Fittingly called ‘The Old Timers Band’. He has played the trumpet for decades and being retired has given him the time and freedom to attend rehearsals and concerts without as much restriction. His playing his part in the band matters. It provides the challenge of learning the music, keeping in sync with a large group of others and creating something beautiful to listen to. He’s found ways to belong and to matter to others beyond his immediate family (which he matters a lot to, also!)
Finding ways to matter is essential to happiness and satisfaction. Research shows that a sense of purpose (aka mattering) is key to a fulfilling retirement. When talking to retirees about this, they will also tell you that you’re likely going to have to look outside your previous career to find it. For example, if you were a nuclear engineer, the chances of doing something nuclear engineer related is pretty slim – same for therapists, literature professors or pharmaceutical representatives. There are exceptions to this of course, but the pendulum swings towards the former.
My husband and I aren’t too far from retirement. It’s easy to think that it will just be filled with lazy mornings spent together. A quiet coffee and the paper, followed by a walk in the woods, some gardening and cooking perhaps. But then what? Some organizing and cleaning, lunch then a nap? Maybe we can take a few weekly yoga classes and plan out short-distance excursions to local museums and parks and of course some bigger long distance trips will get on the calendar. It seems pretty straightforward. As long as the budget holds, we should be in good shape. But what about the mattering part? Because a lot on that list is about keeping busy. How do we differentiate the two? Is it even possible? One things is for sure, it’s definitely very personal. What matters to me, may not matter to you. And the effect mattering has on our humanness, is worth exploring further.
Jennifer Breheny Wallace (Mattering: The Secret to a Life of Deep Connection and Purpose) says that the acronym SAID can help lend perspective on mattering’s four main components. “S” for feeling seen and significant, “A” for being appreciated, “I” for invested, meaning that you are cared for or feel supported and “D” for being depended on. Wallace says that this acronym is both a reason why retirement can feel destabilizing (without SAID) and can also be a solution for mattering more.
In my last column written for the Jan/Feb Issue of The Breeze, I wrote about the importance of ‘showing up’. Ironically ‘showing up’ and ‘mattering’ go hand in hand. When you show up for others, you show them that they matter. And if you want to feel like you matter more, when someone shows up for you, accept it. If they invite you to do something, saying yes can help you foster belonging and connection. This strengthens our sense of being valued which is important whether you’re retired or not. The essence of being human is being connected and compassionate. It’s about the true empathy and social construct that you just can’t get from a screen or AI.
As a yoga instructor, I teach mindfulness, inward reflection and breath (I am breathing in – I am breathing out). This self care and focus is very beneficial to our health and happiness, but so is the outward flow of empathy and intention to be a part of community, friendship and family. By considering how we matter, how we can help others matter and what that means to our own gratification in life, we strengthen our sense of humanness in a world that is becoming more and more artificial. Let’s strive to be real, be human and matter more.
Carla Ann Drummond is the founder of Lake Lure Yoga (www.lakelureyoga.com), where she strives to hold space for peace, healing, breath and to inspire belonging in her community.
